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Friday, 30 October 2009

Disaster Chef

Last night was Master Chef at Youth Group. We were each given a cake and told to decorate it. Master Chef? More like Disaster Chef...

This was my team's cake: UFO Fairyland


And the others ones: Mac's Parody

Mort's Island

Lion

Thursday, 29 October 2009

From the Skunk's Point of View

One thing that really annoys me about humans is that they go hypo if they even catch sight of us.
By ‘us’ I mean skunks. I really don’t see what they panic about. Yes, we’ll spray them if they threaten us, but if we didn't, they’d probably shoot us. We do warn them though by stamping our foot and hissing. But do they listen? Nope. They just find themselves sitting in tomato soup. Our names should warn them enough. Mine is Odour. I have two sisters, Foul and Stink, and three brother, Smell, Awful, and Rabies. Of course Rabies doesn’t really have rabies. See, it’s impossible to tell if an animal has rabies unless you kill them and study their brains. There are signs though. Wild animals may become friendly and approach human or they may become unusually aggressive. A rabid dog’s bark might sound different than normal or it move strangely in a slow, stiff walk. Sometimes they’ll become paralysed in the face and have a weird expression or a drooping jaw. A pet might gnaw on it’s own leg or attack objects, even unmoving ones. Most of all, they slobber. It’s quite strange. Racoons get it more than us though.
That’s why Mother tells me to stay away from racoons. I do have one racoon friend though. His name is Mischief and it suits him just fine. He’s forever stealing things from the humans while his bandit eyes glower impishly. He even goes through the cat door and eat all the dry foods. I can see why people call them bandits. We skunks, of course, are perfectly well behaved...mostly.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

The Bathroom Book or Toilet Tales

This week, Kaity put an excercise book in our bathroom. 'It's just to write stuff in while you're doing your business,' she explained. So far it's already been filled in a couple of pages of movie lines, question, and plain messages.

Then, yesterday, somebody put a large smear of vegemite across the page. I mean, who has that kind of sick mind?
Anyway, come to the Haase Household and sign the toilet book, you know, sort of like a guestbook :)

Monday, 26 October 2009

Not Again!

If I had a status on facebook (which I don't) right now, it would be:
Jordan Haase: Almost got bitten by a duck! Again! A couple of centimetres away from my ankle this time! It's freaking me out!!

Sunday, 25 October 2009

Warrenbungles

This weekend Mum, Dad, Emily, Jenna, and I went to the Warrenbungles NSW for a church camp. It was really spectacular for landscape.


I even climbed to the top of a mountain for better view. A very, very steep mountain.

Marshmallows, tents, lying around in a hammock while listening to music...it was a pretty peaceful weekend with no evil, angry ducks or ghost trains to bother me.

Ahhh...camping....

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Duck Malevolence & Ghost Trains

Duck Malevolence

I've just come back from a bicycle ride around the park. But not just any bicycle ride...This bicycle ride included a life and death situation. It went like this...
I was just riding around, merry and content, thinking life couldn't get any better...when it did. A sweet little duckling was waddling around near the edge of the duckpond, quacking blissfully. I did what girls normally do when they see something cute. Gave a sigh of adoration and jumped off my bike to have a closer look.
But Mum's never far away. In fact, she was very, very close.
She gave a livid quack and gnashed her beak together. Then she bent over, stretched out her neck, and flapped towards me in a surprisingly fast manner.
I wasn't expecting that. I squeaked in horror and took a few steps back in panic. She just kept running towards me.
Scream you idiot! I told myself, Scream and run towards it!
I felt such a silly girl, being so terrified of a duck, but the sight of that duck was enough to scare a demon. I gave a half-hearted snarl and took a few steps towards it, my girly side protesting enormously.
The duck stopped, looked my over, and gave me a warning quack before leaving to swim around with it's duckling.
I'm so ashamed. I'm such a girl.

&
Ghost Trains

Last night Tesse and I slept in our camper van. I felt a little uneasy about it, just because the caravan is a little creepy and creaky...
I was lying...wide awake...at midnight when I heard an awful sound.
Mooooooouuuuuuuurr.........
Imaginations can go a little wild at night...
Manic, mad cow?
Or....howling, shrieking, on-a-loose- GHOST TRAIN!
Or...or...manic, mad cow driving a howling, shrieking, on-a-loose GHOST TRAIN?? (Sorry, I have to do that in capitals or it loses it's terrifying emphasis)
Anyway, in the end, I decided that it was a phantom, spectre train being run by a barmy, hyper, possessed cow (called Rufus) with mad cow disease...Simple when you think about it.

Jordan

Monday, 19 October 2009

They Had Mothers, Too!

Samson's Mum: Your Father and I warned you about that woman. Now, look at you. Not only is your strength gone, but those curls! Those beautiful curls!

Noah's Mum: I'm not saying your ark isn't nice, Noah. I'm just saying it's a little big for you wood-shop project, don't you think?

Jonah's Mum: I don't care where you've been for three days, Jonah! You still should have called! And wipe your feet! You're dripping water everywhere!

Friday, 16 October 2009

White Fang

White Fang
Jack London

“His mother is Kiche,-half dog, half wolf. His father must have been a wolf. He is only one-fourth dog, but he is mine. And because his fangs are white, I will call him White Fang.”
White Fang was only a pup when he started his great escapades. Being raised in the wild, captured and owned by Indians, sold to and mistreated by man, a sled dog, a hunter, and a fighter, White Fang’s adventures never get dull in this fantastic old classic by Jack London aimed for readers 9+.
Some books also written by this author are
* The Sea Wolf
* Jerry of the Islands
* The Call of the Wild

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Two Diary Entries

From the Desk of Solomon

Dear Journal,

It is not yet dawn but I must write. I just had the most amazing dream and I am not quite sure what to say.
I am at Gibeon and just then I woke up from what I think was a vision. I’m sure the Lord spoke to me, no mistake.
He simply to said to me, ‘Ask for whatever you want me to give to you.’
I was amazed. Not only was God speaking to me, but he asked me what I wanted. Many things ran through my mind. Gold, riches, a long prosperous life, everything and anything people value. I suddenly wished I had the wisdom to decide and the thought came to me. Wisdom! Wisdom to rule my country in the way the Lord wants me to.
I asked the Lord in what I hoped was a respectful tone for wisdom to rule his people. He seemed pleased with me. Then he told me that he was pleased with my answer, and since I had not asked for other things that a greedy man would ask for, he said he would give me riches and honour as well. He also said that if I obeyed him he would give me a long life as well. A four in one deal!
I must think on these things. I will write later.
Solomon


From the Desk of Solomon

Dear Journal,

It has been a moon since I had my dream. I wished to write sooner but I was busy sending up offerings to the Lord for his gift. I wish to record the day’s events. Two prostitutes came to me today, they asked for my wisdom. Both women came up to me and one told me a story.
‘My lord, this woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. The third day after my child was born; this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.’
She stopped to take breath then continued. ‘During the night this woman's son died because she lay on him. So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I, your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. The next morning, I got up to nurse my son—and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn't the son I had borne.’
The other women gasped. ‘This is not true,’ she insisted. ‘The dead one is yours and the living one mine! My lord, believe me!’
‘This isn’t true,’ the other women narrowed her eyes. ‘That baby is mine. You must believe me,’ she said turning to me.
‘You are a liar,’ hissed the first women.
I watched them argue before me and slowly a thought came into my head.
‘’You must not argue,’ I commanded. ‘Bring me a sword!’
My weapon-handler came to me holding the sword and handed it to me. ‘Cut the child in two,’ I said. ‘Each of you can have one half and the problem is solved.’
The second women’s eyes widened and she gaped at me. ‘No.’ she cried. ‘Give it to her; do not cut it in half!’
The first women sneered at her. ‘No, the King has decided. It is a wise decision. Cut it in half.’
‘No!’ I said ‘Don’t cut it in half. Give it to the first women. It is her baby and she is its mother.’
That is what happened. The woman gratefully took her baby back and the other woman went away in a huff. Now Israel is in awe of me, but they must know! It is not me, but God!’

Jordan. R Haase
May 14, 2009

Monday, 12 October 2009

Creating Exhaustion

My creative energy tank is down to low after three hours of work in the kitchen...The decorating part was quite fun though...

Mine:
Emily's:
A Friend's:

And in the end all I've created, apart from a cake, is total exhaustion...

Saturday, 10 October 2009

7 Reasons Not to Mess With Children

7 reasons not to mess with children...


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked,'What if Jonah went to hell?’ The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what thedrawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'



Jordan

Evil Intentions

I haven't had a lot to say lately so I've been watching carefully for a good blog idea. Instead, I decided to use 4 little ones.
Here are 4 things you weren't expecting to happen.

  1. After shooting the basketball at the net for a while I decided to sit down for a quick rest. I threw the ball at the wall expecting to see it bounce off and roll away. Instead it bounced right back at me and hit me clean on the nose. I suspect that basketball of evil intentions.
  2. I woke up suddenly in bed last night at 12:00 to see something falling down onto my face. It felt cold and clammy and I had to wriggle around too get it off. It turned out to be my Prince Caspian poster that had fallen from my wall. I suspect that Prince Caspian poster of evil intentions.
  3. I was giving the football a kick out on the road. I believe that football was deliberately vexing me in it's own little irritable way. I would bounce it and it would dart off to the right. I would run after it, but you know these footballs with their weird shapes...just as I was about to reach it, it would dart off to the left and it continued for ages. It was mocking me! I suspect that football of evil intentions.
  4. I was once again sent this awful, horrid forward 'Monk's Secret.' I hope it all makes you annoyed too... A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travele d the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald...........silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, this is the key to the last door. The man is relieved no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and> behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. .. . .

....But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Ahhhh! Does this annoy no one else? I suspect the person who sent this forward to me of evil intentions...

Jordan

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Prince on a White Horse

Book Review
Prince on a White Horse
Tanith Lee

“Oh, this is awful!” shouted the Prince to the horse. “I’m even more confused than before. All I’ve got is this stupid Egg-and-and-”- the Prince went pale again – “this feeling that I’ve got to get on your back, and ride over those mountains towards- something I’m not sure I’m going to enjoy. When I think I thought this might all be a holiday!”
The Prince is not at all sure where he is, who he is, and what he’s supposed to be doing. All he knows is that he is in a strange land where strange creatures, such as Bezzles, Buzzles, and Beezles roam around and horses talk (however much they deny it.)
I really enjoyed reading this fantastic tale for readers aged 11+ because it is an enjoyable read and a good laugh.